WORDS

      Perhaps I am a little behind the times when it comes to news, being a busy college student and all, but this article from the New York Times caught my attention, even if a little after the fact. It's about criticism they incurred after initially covering the Jerry Sandusky case at Penn State. I think that the criticism is totally on point and that there should be more awareness drawn to the language we use not only when talking about rape and sexual assault, but all forms of sexual activity. 

     I spend a great deal of time thinking about language, connotation, and what words mean, if they can really be said to have a static meaning at all. When it comes to sex, words are highly charged, and the ways we refer to sex speak a lot to society's general attitude towards a sexual act. People don't like to hear or admit that we (in the U.S.) live in a culture of rape... but it's true. I'd welcome any opposing argument. Just look at the words we use to describe sex: boning, banging, fucking, slamming, screwing, mounting, laying, riding, humping.... I could go on. Not only do these words often evoke a violent connotation, they present sex as an act a man does to a woman, and when appropriated to men who have sex with men, imply violence of a more active man onto a passive (therefore presumably more feminine) man. Although same sex female couples are capable of using these terms and penetrating each other in a variety of ways, the language around sex largely ignores same sex female sexual relationships, and often silences the idea of women's sexuality and pleasure entirely. 

     Now, I will say that I think it's a great thing to have multiple ways to name sex, as there are many different kinds of sex, and I will even advocate the use of some of the aforementioned terms. Fucking is a whole different breed of sex than making love in my book, and as a woman I have said "Yeah I fucked him" referring to a specific kind of sex with a male partner, however I'm not saying that it's right or free of possibly harmful meaning. 

     When the element of sexual assault or rape is added into the mix these messages and words become even more complicated; using the term sexual assault when rape is present, but omitting rape for whatever reason, is unacceptable regardless of who the survivors or perpetrators are. These words hold power and should be used responsibly and correctly when reporting on such serious cases as that at Penn State, but they should also be understood and used correctly by the general population in acknowledging the realities of our own sex lives and the sexual climate that we live in. 

     I know there is a lot that I've brought up here, and trust me, there will be future blog posts that touch on these subjects, but I feel that this is a particularly timely issue considering how much media coverage the Penn State Scandal has acquired. But the culture we live in is perpetuated by language, so pay attention to how vernacular and bits of language we take for granted reinforce ideas of patriarchy, homophobia, transphobia, sexism, and rape and sexual assault. 

Hetero Priv

.....aaaaaand we're back. Sorry about the Thanksgiving hiatus, but don't worry 'm back to blogging daily. Over the break a few people sent me this link about hetero privilege, which I think is an excellent article to pass on to y'all. Whether you're straight or queer or anything in between (or around) I think it's important to ponder in what ways the everyday things we take for granted privilege some, while silencing or ignoring others. I'm not trying to lay blame on anyone, but it is the job of everyone to become more aware and responsible when it comes to their actions affecting the larger community.

Wake Up Call

So, since I will be heading home to Wisconsin tomorrow for Thanksgiving I've been thinking a lot about the holidays and what presents I want to ask for... this excellent toy is at the top of my wish list! A friend of mine told me about it and I couldn't think of a more ingenious way to wake up.  If your special someone is someone with a clitoris, or if you have a clitoris and want to treat yourself, definitely check it out! Also, if you're interested in sex toys in general here us an excellent way to find what you're looking for.

Sex Ed

     One of the staff members at my college saw this article and thought of me, it's about a really comprehensive sex ed course offered at a high school in Philadelphia which is taught the way I think all sex ed should be taught. It also offers a little on the progression of sex ed throughout the last few decades in the U.S. and how what we perceive to be progressive now, really anything more involved than abstinence only, isn't something new, but something that has been done before and was polarized by diverging politics. 
     There is an argument to be made for teaching kids about sex in a truthful manner. If you think about it, childhood is one of those things that has been socially constructed. Twelve year olds used to be married and work all day, but at some point society decided  we had to protect children, partially having to do with extended life spans, but really a huge variety of factors played into the development of "childhood". It became a much larger issue on the Western scene in Victorian England with the development of child labor laws. Somewhere along this journey childhood sexuality became taboo and any information or instruction regarding sex, puberty, genitals, and masturbation became "inappropriate" and "corrupting" for children. I blame Freud... partially. Mostly I just hate Freud (and the fact that people believed the shit he spouted).
     In my opinion there is never a point at which a human being (having genitals) is not curious about the sensations of their own body. Sexuality and sexual pleasure are things that are learned and given specific meanings later in life. Why not start this learning process in conjunction with the developing body. Teaching female bodied children the correct names for their genitals, teaching all children how their bodies work, and answering their questions to do with sex and sexuality honestly can create a person who is comfortable in their bodies and will later make more responsible, informed decisions. I'm not saying parents should sit their four year olds down and teach them how to masturbate, but allowing for open communication about sex, bodies, and pleasures will allow more children to feel unashamed of their desires and bodies, enabling them to handle these things in a mature way. 
 Read up! 

TDOR

Today is Transgender Day of Remembrance, a solemn but important day to remember those who have been killed, harmed, and discriminated against because of transphobia. 

            Although the day is relatively new, this only being its thirteenth anniversary, there is a lot of misunderstanding about the purpose of the day, and even what it means to be transgendered. In general, we encounter gender in very limiting and polarizing way, which is why I think everyone should take some time this November 20^th to think about gender, how it shapes so many of your everyday experiences, how these experiences would be different or even impossible if you were transgendered, how life has been for those who are transgendered, and then remember them with the respect and admiration they deserve.

            To begin understanding how to honor those we mourn, we must understand what is meant by transgender. There are plenty of liberal minded people and organizations that claim to support “GLBT” communities, however most forget about the T, often confuse transsexual and transgender, and don’t take the time to evaluate what they could be doing to make this world a friendlier place to the transgender community.

            Transgender is an umbrella term for a number of identities that are all distinct, while sharing the quality of challenging the conception of the male/female gender binary and resulting gender roles. Not to be used a synonymous with transgender is transsexual, which applies to those who wish to live and be accepted as the opposite sex to which they were assigned at birth (this may include undergoing physical changes such as hormone therapy or gender reassignment surgery, or may not).  Also under the umbrella of transgender are cross-dressers, transvestites, drag kings, drag queens, and androgyne. Although all of these identities deserve to be explored, that would make for quite a lengthy post, and I feel personally compelled to talk further about genderqueer identity based on some recent interactions I’ve experienced.

Genderqueer is a gender identity that does not fit onto the conventional gender binary; some people who identify as genderqueer may feel like they are neither male nor female, some may feel that they are both; some may feel that the terms male and female cannot even be used to describe their gender. Most importantly, this does not mean they’re confused or undecided. Genderqueer, along with all identities under the transgender umbrella do not indicate any particular sexual orientation.

In defining gender identities it must be said that there is a lot of grey area, and as with any identity I believe that no one definition is true in a universal way. When I say I identify as a woman, what woman means to be is going to be slightly (are largely) different than what the cisgendered woman next to me defines as “woman”. The same can be said for any trans identity.

            I feel it is important to understand these identities in order to comprehend how truly difficult everyday life can be for those who are transgendered, and how ignorance, intolerance, and hate further complicate this. Gendered bathrooms, locker rooms, and form which only offer an F or M as options of “sex” or “gender” are all frustrating daily challenges for the transgender community, along with most of their daily interactions with people who insist on using (and assuming) preferred gender pronouns.

            Apart from physical spaces, many open-minded people have disappointed me in their lack of awareness and acceptance. Though I understand not everyone wants to talk about sex and gender as much as I do, and this criticism definitely does not extend to every person I know, it shocks me how often I hear people talking about heteronormativity and sexism, but how little I hear people using these terms to acknowledge the transgender population and their struggle towards equal rights.

 I understand that for some, these identities may seem radical, some my not have encountered them in their daily lives, and thinking about how ubiquitous gendered pronouns are in language is a little mind blowing when you have to think about it, but that’s just it, those who are cisgendered have to put effort into thinking about it. Consider that those who are transgendered have to think about it everyday and struggle for acceptance and equal rights based on their gender identities. The gender binary and gender roles hurt the agency of both men and women, I feel like most people these days know this, (maybe I’m too optimistic?) but maybe the entire gendered system, society, and language that we operate in hurts everyone on some level.

            So this November 20^th observe Transgender Day of Remembrance and really think about what you can do to make yourself and the environments you participate in asafer, more accepting places. Listen to how you talk about gender, contemplate how your gender identity shapes your experiences, and possibly privileges them as well. Remembering the past is important, and learning from the past is even more so, but without change and progress these deaths will continue unchecked, and I find this completely unacceptable. 

NONMONOGAMY

So. I am making a pledge to from here on out blog daily, even though some days it will only be links to other interesting things, or fun facts, or personal musings….

Today’s blog is going to be more along the lines of personal musings, or ranting, more accurately. I want to discuss monogamy, non-monogamy, and polyamory, as these are ideas I am pretty invested in.  I am frequently frustrated by the commonly held belief that the only kind of legitimate relationship is a monogamous one and that the monogamous relationship is help as an ultimate goal in achieving successful relationships. There are people out there who aren’t into monogamy with a variety of reasons for this. Yes, some people just want to fuck around, and that’s neat (get tested), but there are also those who want to engage in polyamorous relationships.

Technically, there isn’t really a difference between polyamory and nonmonogamy, it’s really more about semantics and personal preference, but generally it indicates the preference to engage in romantic relationships with multiple people simultaneously. This could mean having more than one partner or partnering with multiple people together (a relationship with three or more people all in relationships with each other). This isn’t just having an “open relationship” necessarily; the term “open” gets thrown around a lot by monogamists for various reasons (like a period of long distance or a trial period of some sort), but for some people polyamory or nonmonogamy are a lifelong preference and possible lifestyle.

I would describe myself as a nonmonogamist, although that isn’t even really a word, so… there’s that. However, I like this term because I think it accurately portrays my personal relationship preference: to engage in romantic, emotional, and physical (to varying degrees) relationships with multiple people simultaneously (if I’m lucky). Now, I’m not saying this is something I will feel forever, or have always felt; I don’t feel like this part of myself is as intrinsic as my sexuality or gender, however I would like it to be respected to the same degree.

I’ve come to this preference as much by my own emotional reactions to previous and current relationships as through my academic exploration. My issues with monogamy are partially rooted in the fact I have never valued monogamy in a relationship as much as most other people I know, and usually feel compelled to engage with people outside of a monogamous relationship.This urge has nothing to do with the person I am in a relationship with. It could be just that I am really horny, or I really like sex and I like connecting with people in that way… but I also don’t feel the need to deprive myself of something I want. In previous relationships I have been monogamous for the sake of my partner, but that didn’t feel fair. In being honest with people about my stance on nonmonogamy I have definitely missed out on some possible relationships because most people want monogamy (or at least that possibility), but I’d rather be honest up front than frustrated later, or than hurt someone by cheating. Maybe being a college student who doesn’t know where the next year will take me has something to do with this, but who knows when my life situation will become stable, it could be decades, and that doesn’t make this life style any less legitimate.

There is also an element of my decision to be nonmonogamous that is based in what I’ve learned through feminist and queer theory. Monogamy is a constructed imperative that encourages the nuclear family, therefore patriarchy. There are a plethora of tangents I could go on here… but I’ll save that for another blog. The institution of marriage, which I feel like monogamous relationships are just a rehearsal for, is something I am completely uninterested in, so monogamy just feels like a false act coming from my point of view.  Nonmonogamy feels more genuine and is also kind of an act of rebellion in my case.

I am sharing this because lately I have had to explain my views on monogamy frequently, often to very unsympathetic monogamists who like to equate nonmonogamy with promiscuity. Nonmonogamy does not mean I want a never ending series of one night stands, it just means I have the mental and emotional capacity to have multiple relationships at once and the desire to do so. Nonmonogamy also does not equal polygamy; in fact, nonmonogamy provides a more egalitarian framework for people of any gender. Men and women are generally held to different standards of monogamy, and most of the time women end up on the losing end of this deal.

Hopefully by reading my position and thinking a little bit more critically about monogamy I have opened some minds. Nonmonogamy isn’t for everyone, just as monogamy isn’t, so move forward with this information and decide what is right for you without deciding what’s right for someone else. 

SHEJACULATION

In relation to my last post about kegels, I would like to present a post for the ladies, or anyone with female genitalia, as I would like to address the “mystery” that is female ejaculation (or shejaculation, as it will henceforth be known). There is a lot of misinformation circulating concerning the topic of shejacualtion, and a few medical mysteries still to be solved as to how exactly this bodily function happens. It’s unclear as to why some female-bodied people can shejaculate, while others cannot; this is usually tied to the ability to achieve g-spot orgasms, however there have been reported shejaculations based on clitoral stimulation alone. If you’re a regular shejaculator or you’ve never come close to squirting in all your days, read on to get some true facts on the subject and advice on how you can try your hand at shejaculation… if you’re into that.

Shejaculation is tied to g-spot orgasms because the fluid that is ejaculated is stored in the urethral sponge, which is called the g-spot when it’s engorged because the lady is aroused. The urethral sponge borders the vaginal wall and from inside the vagina it feels firm and ridged, kind of like a peach pit. You can reach it by inserting your fingers into a vagina and then making a “come hither” motion toward the belly button. When a female bodies person in aroused, clitorally or vaginally, blood flow increases to the g-spot, and the urethral sponge also produces a milky liquid (that is not urine). This fluid is similar to male ejaculate as found in the prostate. Although some urine may come out with female ejaculate, as they both come out of the urethra, female ejaculate isn’t pee, no matter what anyone tells you.

When a woman is good and aroused, enlarged g-spot and all, shejaculation may occur upon orgasm, or quite close to the time of orgasm. This is because orgasm causes contractions of the PC muscles (if you practice kegels you are more likely to be able to shejaculate), and when these contractions relax there is a pushing out of the PC muscles allowing female ejaculate to flow. Now, this may not look like it does in some squirting porn. Some women may projectile ejaculate a large amount of liquid, some women may produce a smaller amount of liquid with less force, and some may not shejaculate at all.  There is not really an established normal way to shejaculate, so enjoy whatever you’re given.

Pressure on the g-spot and vaginal stimulation usually lead to shejaculate educing orgasms, but it stands to reason that clitoral stimulation could also produce shejaculate because (most likely) the clitoris and the g-spot are linked. Now, this business is debated a little, but more and more scientific research is showing that the clitoral shaft (the internal part of the clitoris that runs along either side of the vulva, branching up internally) leads to the g-spot, so these two highly innervated parts of the female genitalia are linked. With clitoral arousal and the right kegels a clitoral orgasms could definitely lead to female ejaculation, but not for every body.

If you have never shejaculated, or you don’t know why you do when you do, here are some tips on gaining more control over your ejaculate: DO KEGELS. The more control you have over your PC muscles the more likely you are to have g-spot orgasms, have longer, stronger orgasms, and be in touch with your vaginal sensations in a way which will allow shejaculation. Also, practice g-spot stimulation; if it’s not something you really like at first, keep practicing! Add g-spot stimulation as part of your masturbation habits. It may feel like you have to pee at first, but remember that’s normal (just make sure you empty your bladder before g-spot stimulation). If you have trouble enjoying g-spot stimulation or can’t reach your g-spot, invest in a toy, maybe one that engages your clit and g-spot simultaneously.

Lastly, create the right environment. If you’re worried or stressed shejaculation probably won’t happen. If you’re concerned about making a mess lay down some towels, if you don’t want to be embarrassed in front of a partner try it by yourself first, put on some nice music, and just enjoy your pleasures.

Remember, not all female bodied people will be able to shejaculate, and this is totally normal. Shejaculation does not reflect on how “good” an orgasm is, it is just something fun that can go along with it. If your partner has made you shejaculate in the past, and sometimes it doesn’t happen, make sure to not let this get inside their head or let them think that shejaculation is a reflection of their performance. Most shejaculaters, who’ve shejaculated their whole lives, don’t have control over when it happens or doesn’t happen. Only you know what your best orgasm is, and shejaculation may or may not correspond, so if this is an applicable dynamic in your sexytimes make sure to be vocal about it.

 With that, go forth and explore your shejaculation potential, or someone else’s (with their consent of course)!  

KEGELS

 For my first blog post ever I've decided to share with the internet my new found obsession... KEGEL EXERCISES! Enjoy and Educate:

    People of any gender can practice Kegel exercises all day every day, or just from time to time, without anyone knowing.
Kegels are contractions of the pubococcygeus muscle, or PC muscle, which is present in both male and female-bodied people, and acts like a kind of muscular hammock forming the base of the pelvic cavity. The PC muscles are what you use to stop the flow of urine, so to exercise them all one has to do is contract them the way you would when you’re trying to not pee your pants, it’s pretty easy and no one will even notice you’re doing it. You can do Kegels in any position, at any time, in any place.
    These exercises can have many health and sexual benefits for any body. In male-bodied people Kegel exercises can help maintain longer erections and improve control of ejaculation, making it possible for men to orgasm without ejaculating and achieve multiple orgasm. This is also an important exercise for men who experience premature ejaculation. There are great long-term effects of doing Kegels, such as increased bladder and bowel control to prevent incontinence later in life, and actually getting a stronger erection, like you could hold things up with your boner… neat!
    Kegels are especially important for women because PC muscles are easily weakened by age or pregnancy, but are easily strengthened in very pleasurable ways. Kegels require no equipment, however there are Kegel enhancing products for women that can build muscle endurance as well as stimulate the G spot. These products help to target the correct muscles and isolate them for maximum benefits, as well as provide resistance and some even track PC progress. There are Kegel barbells that look similar to a small dildo, Kegel eggs, and ben wa balls or other ball/bead products that move with the PC contractions causing the most simultaneous pleasure and exercise (some of them even vibrate). If products like this aren’t your thing, you can also just use a finger to feel the contractions and monitor your progress.
     Doing Kegels and developing control and endurance of these muscles can add a whole new dimension to sex and orgasms for all genders. Female-bodied people who do Kegels generally have more intense orgasms and can consciously make their orgasms last longer. If they chose to have penetrative sex, female-bodied people can also control the tightness of their vagina by contracting or relaxing their PC muscles, creating a wider variety of sensation for both themselves and their partner. Male-bodied people, as I mentioned, can last longer and use PC muscles to withhold ejaculate to experience multiple orgasms, however this takes a lot of practice.
    Doing three sets of ten Kegels three to five times every day is a fantastic way to improve your PC strength and endurance, varying the length and speed of your contractions. Doing Kegels while masturbating is also important if you want to understand the benefits these exercises can have on your sex life and really work on orgasm control. 

How do you get to the biggest, best, orgasms of your life? Practice, Practice, Practice, Kegels.