MASTUBATORY AIDS (For male bodied people)

Sex toys are a favorite topic of mine; they are generally fun, astoundingly innovative, pleasurable options for many sexual human beings regardless of body, gender, relationship status, or sexual preference. I’ve noticed, however, that there seems to be a surprising stigma connected to masturbatory aids for male bodied people. For some reason a pocket pussy tends to creep people out, while the idea of a dildo seems perfectly acceptable, even empowering or sexy. Maybe this is because male bodied people are generally expected to masturbate, and there is an assumption that their hands should be enough. Or maybe it is because it is easier to disembody a penis, and create the notion of a nongendered pleasure device that happens to be phallic (although some dildos take surprising shapes), than it is to remove the vaginal shape/sensation from a female bodied home. Gender politics (possibly) play into this strange dichotomy, depending on how many WGSS classes you’ve taken, but it definitely exists.

I, for one, support the use of masturbatory aids for anyone who deems them necessary, and there are a plethora of such products for male bodied people which stimulate the sensations of anal or vaginal sex, depending on your preference. Many of these are smaller, handheld masturbatory sleeves like pocket pussies or fleshlights, which are usually made with safe, silicone materials and are sometimes adjustable (for the right amount of pressure).  Although more difficult to clean and requiring more lube than some other types of sex toys, these offer a more realistic sexual experience for the user than just jerkin it old school and cumming into some Kleenex.

Perhaps because toy-less masturbation for male bodied people is less maintenance, effort, and money, male masturbatory aids are less popular than anal toys or sex toys for female bodied people, but there is also just less general knowledge and acceptance for the use of these toys. There is also the added “weirdness” of more elaborate, realistic masturbatory aids. Many people are made uncomfortable by the notion of sex dolls, or even partial sex dolls, such as toys which look like an entire person or possibly just the butt, the pelvic area, or the bottom half of a person (yes, these are all toys that are readily available and made in varieties of shapes, sizes, colors, hairiness, and with a broad scope of genital configurations).

One of the most popular of these more elaborate masturbatory aids are sex dolls, which are often thought of a gag-gifts, like cheaply made, unsafe, blow up dolls. There are, however, safe, well made, incredibly realistic sex dolls, such a Real Dolls, which are marketed as “The World’s Finest Love Doll”.  Real Dolls are equipped with extremely lifelike vulvas, vaginas, anuses, and mouths (they even have removable, changeable tongues!), and can be customized down to the smallest pubic hair pattern. There are also doll options for female bodied customers, but these are much less popular. The distinction made when it comes to a full-bodied doll is that they often serve as more than just a masturbatory aid. Most people won’t shell out $2,000+ just to orgasm, so investing in a high quality Love Doll is a pretty big commitment, and is often accompanied by an emotional relationship between customer and Doll.

People have emotional connections with inanimate objects all the time, usually in a sentimental capacity, but most people don’t try to put their penis is their scrap book, or dress up their old teddy bear and take it out on dates. People who do this with their love dolls are often categorized as emotionally unstable, sexually perverse, or in some other way incompetent. I am not in a position to judge these behaviors, however most Real Doll buyers fully acknowledge they are engaged in a physical/emotional relationship with an inanimate object, they are not hurting others based on this choice, and find more emotional fulfillment with their doll than they have in previous relationships with actual people. If this interests you check out the documentary Guys and Dolls, which explores the relationships of three men with their various Real Dolls.

A similar type of relationship, although less overtly sexual, is present in the idea of 2D love, which originated in Japan and indicates an emotional relationship between a person and a body pillow with the print of an anime or manga character. These can be friendships, emotional relationships, or sexual relationships, but the idea centers more on companionship than masturbation.

In exploring the many ways to get off in the large and mysterious world of ours, it seems silly to me male bodied people should be limited to their own hands in masturbatory exploration. Obviously I encourage the use of anal toys and masturbatory aids for those who are intrigued by them. Although sex dolls, love dolls, or elaborate masturbatory aids make many people uncomfortable, they offer a world of options for those who cannot connect well or find what they’re looking for in another human being. 

ANAL TOYS

There tends to be a lot of stigma associated with anal pleasures regardless of sex, gender, or sexual orientation. Some of this is founded in the physical limitations and dangers of anal penetration, but much of it is based in outdated social stigma and direct or indirect homophobia. The great thing about butthole pleasures is everyone can have them, regardless of your body or the body of your partner(s); the anus is a great sexual equalizer, and as long as you know your stuff and your self you’ll be all right.

Experimenting with your butt is best done alone, at least for the first few times, just because it allows you to explore sensations safely and at your own speed. This process can be enhanced by the use of a variety of anal toys. Just remember to start slow; the skin around and inside the anus is extremely delicate, prone to tearing, and very absorbent.  When stimulating the anus, especially if this includes penetration, you want to use a lot of lube (ALWAYS water based and NEVER spermicidal), and you want to take the time to relax your rectal muscles. This takes time and manual stimulation, as those muscles are not consciously controlled. This is why I say to start by yourself, because if it is your first time exploring your anus you don’t know how long this process will take, what it will feel like, or how much is too much.

Now putting a finger in there can be logistically difficult and may not give you the sensation you desire, so there are a lot of other options you can get your hands on. One of the more versatile of these is the butt plug. These come in a variety of shapes, sizes, and materials, so figuring out what works for your body is important. Butt plugs are bulb shaped and inserted into the anus with the ‘plug’ like base staying on the outside of the body to keep the toy in place. There isn’t the sensation of friction with the butt plug, but it does create a sensation of fullness and added pressure to either the g-spot or prostate, so they are an excellent item to insert and leave in while exploring other sexy pleasures. The removal of a butt plug is the trickiest part, as it’s shape can lead to tearing, so make sure to use a lot of lube on insertion and remove very slowly, adding lube if needed.

Another excellent anal toy are anal beads, or anal wands. These are sometimes the same thing, a combination of sorts, but sometimes slightly different. Anal beads are pretty much exactly what they sound like, a string of beads that one inserts into the anus and then removes (carefully). Never use anal beads that are connected by any kind of actual string or thread, as this material is difficult to sanitize and prone to breaking. There are a variety of silicone anal bead toys which can work wonders, also there are many which have a thicker connective thread with a variable levels of flexibility, which is where anal beads and anal wands cross paths. Anal wands are similar to dildos, except they often have ribbing more similar to anal beads, are more flexible, and are generally less girthy. Anal beads and wands can be used to create a feeling of fullness, and then are pulled out of the anus near orgasm to heighten pressure and sensation on the g-spot or prostate, as well as the anus itself. Stiffer anal beads or anal wands can also be used to create deep anal sensation, depending on their length. It is important to note that any anal toy you use should have a base, as your rectal muscles an actually pull things into your body, and you really don’t want to loose anything up there…

Anal dildos also come in a huge array of styles, materials, sizes and shapes. Some designed specifically for male bodied people, some designed especially for female bodied people, some look just like a penis, and some look like magic wands. What is most important in anal dildo use is finding what works for your body and making sure to use these toys safely, warming up to your dildo and relaxing your rectal muscles is a huge part of this. 

Also, regardless of what type of toy you choose to use knowing what material it’s made of, how to sanitize it, and putting a condom on it whenever possible reduces the risks of bodily harm or bacteria growth on your toys.

So go forth and find the hidden treasures of your anus… you have the tools! Don’t forget the lube.

69

      69ing. It doesn’t get enough attention. I’d say it was one of the first sexual positions I learned about, maybe because it’s easy to spell, to explain, and is thrown around jokingly, but really I haven’t had nearly enough serious conversations about 69ing. Logistically, it ends up being pretty tricky regardless of what genitals you’re packing and what your partner has going on. If you’re into oral and impatient it’s definitely a viable sexual option, but if you want to make it all the way to orgasm without a sore neck, you’ve got to do some experimenting to find a way that works.

      In my opinion, female bodied same sex couples are at an advantage when it comes to 69ing. There is just less chance of getting whacked in the face with a vulva than a penis, which I’d consider a bonus, but to each their own. In this pairing, if you decide to 69 there is also less of the dilemma of who’s on top, either way you’ll have to deal with a little bit on neck strain, but it’s nothing a few pillows can’t help with.  Depending what you’re into, the lady on top can put her knees on either side of her partner’s head, positioning them closer to the top of the head for easier access to the clitoris, or closer to the shoulders or even under the shoulders if you want to be able to stimulate the anus also. The lady on the bottom may be aided by a pillow to support her head depending on the angle of her partner, also putting a pillow under the pelvis can aid her partner’s access to the vulva.

      In heterosexual couples I recommend that the lady be on top, maybe that’s just my personal preference, but logistically there’s less complication. Performing oral sex on a male bodied person during 69 from below is not impossible, by any means, and depending on your sexual style may be really hot, however you definitely will want some neck support and you’ll have to watch out for swinging scrotum.

      In male bodied same sex couples the most important logistical element is finding the right position to facilitate comfortable angles with which to perform oral sex effectively. This may by harder if you have an extreme height different with your partner, however isn’t necessarily something there is prescriptive advice for. Your position will depend a lot on the style you prefer receiving/giving head in, and your resulting 69 positionality may differ from partner to partner because of this.

      Regardless of position and genitalia involved 69ing can be a very rewarding act, it gives you a unique and very advantageous view of your partner’s genitals and allows for exploration of a variety of oral pleasures. If your partner is into it, explore the options of oral; don’t forget about the taint, the anus, the balls, the clitoris, the layers of labia, the vagina, and also the sensitive skin of the inner thighs. Rules of consent and communication obviously still apply, and this can be especially difficult while 69ing because both mouths are occupied, but it important to be a considerate participant and check in with your partner about how the 69 is going.

      As both participants are receiving and giving pleasure it’s sometimes easy to get carried away, so if you need a break, take, it, but don’t leave your partner hanging. If you’re getting really into it (awesome!) make sure that you check how your body reacts with how that will effect your partner, you don’t want to thrust too much or move in a way which will make your partner physically uncomfortable. Also, as angles of 69 can get tiring or complicated, it’s better to readjust than to smother someone (who doesn’t want to be smothered). There’s always the option of the sideways 69, which is basically just what it sounds like, 69ing but on your sides, so no one is on top.

     For many people 69ing can be extremely intimate or make them feel vulnerable, so make sure to ask your partner if they want to, if they like 69ing, and if they’re comfortable with 69ing before jumping into it.

COMDOMANIA

An inquiry I’ve received frequently throughout my sex talking time is: “What is the best condom?” To which I usually respond, “Best condom for what?  Does best indicate most effective or most pleasurable?” There is really no one correct answer to this age old question, but it is important to sort out your prophylactic priorities and become informed of what is the best barrier method for your body.

            There are many factors to consider in what condom is best for any individual: what activity are you using this for (vaginal sex, anal sex, oral sex, or if you put it on a sex toy to be inserted in a particular orifice), how sensitive does it leave the wearer, does it add pleasure with texture, or a sensation inducing lube, is it lubricated, do you want spermicide, does it smell like latex, does it taste like banana, can it make an erection last longer, will it break, are you or your partner(s) allergic to latex, is it big enough, is it small enough, is it a male or a female condom? All relevant questions.  Now, when looking into condoms, female condoms are never rated well; they decrease sensitivity, are more difficult to use, and there is a higher rate of human error, however they do supply certain advantages in certain partnerships.

            As far as the questions listed above, there are some condoms that stand out against the rest as fulfilling many sought after condom qualities.  For all around effectiveness, sensitivity, and mutual enjoyment Crown Skinless Skin Condoms, Durex Extra Sensitive, and Beyond Seven Condoms are fantastic options. A newer condom on the market, Lifestyles X2s, are lubricated inside and out with “excite enhancement gel” which increases blood flow and can help keep the wearer erect longer. Trustex Extra Large Condoms are great for people working with a larger phallus who want a thinner, yet reliable condom. There are condoms that are flared for those who need a little more head room, like LifeStyles Ultra Sensitive Sheer Pleasure Condoms or Durex Love Condoms, which both coincidentally have extra lubrication.  Also, if you or your partner(s) are allergic to latex there are excellent Polyisoprene and Polyurethane options like LifeStyles SKYN and Durex Avanti Bare Condoms. Ribbed or studded condoms can add pleasure, as they increase friction, however are not enjoyed by everyone; Impulse Bare Pleasure Condoms are both ribbed and studded, as well as very highly reviewed.  If you’re using condoms for anal sex the stronger the better, as tearing is slightly more likely, so any reliable, lubricated, latex condom will do. It is important, however, that a condom being used for anal sex not contain Nonoxynol-9, which is a spermicidal agent present in some lube that can cause damage to the rectal tissue.

            A few general rules on the condom front: Trojan may have an aggressive add campaign, but you can do better, they smell like latex and most of their condomd don’t test as well in pleasure or effectiveness. Durex condoms tend to have the least amount of latex odor. Flavored condoms should ONLY be used for oral sex. If you add lube to condoms make sure that it is water based, as oil based lubricants can disintegrate latex. Look into Japanese condoms; they’re doing interesting things over there.  Always check the expiration date and air bubble. Always get condoms for free when you can.  If you must buy condoms, buying online is much cheaper than in a store. Never use two condoms at once, or one condom more than once. If you use condoms with ribs, studs, warming or tingling lube, or any of those fancy options, be sure to warn your partner and make sure they are down with the added sensations.

            With those rules in mind, finding the right barrier protection for you is a matter of trial and error. There are also some interesting, lesser-known ways to use latex protection.  Dental dams, for instance, can be used while giving oral sex to a female bodied person, or, I think more effectively, can be used when rimming (giving oral pleasure to someone’s anus). When using dental dams for oral sex with a female bodied person they can be kind of difficult to use correctly and to keep in place, making them not the most effective in eliminating fluid exchange, but if you are giving oral sex to a partner with an STI or if you’re unsure of their status it’s best to be safer rather than just risk it. Female condoms are also gaining popularity within the gay male or MSM community, but can be used effectively by any body receiving anal sex if properly inserted into the rectum before penetration. The thing with the female condom, whatever orifice you’re putting it in, is that you have to make sure they stay in place as they can easily slip out of place and are this less effective.

I hope with this brief condom manifesto that your eyes have been opened to the prophylactic possibilities before you. Go and be safe!

Sex Work

     It’s been a while since my last post, and for that I apologize, but after a restful and contemplative break I look forward to a 2012 filled with a multitude of sex+positive posts and the possible apocalypse. So overall a promising year, yes?

     I want to talk about something I’ve been thinking about lately as I consider misconceptions and prejudices many people function with, and I hope to inspire some open minded introspection. Sex workers tend to get a bad wrap and are constantly stereotyped as emotionally damaged women with daddy issues and no self-esteem. There tends to be truth in every stereotype, and I won’t deny that many people enter into sex work under less than ideal conditions with a multitude of motivations and types of relationships with their fathers, but really I think this field of work deserves closer attention and objective, understanding representation.

     Sex work as a term is vague; people tend to define it differently, drawing arbitrary lines trying to define something that is hugely ambiguous. Strippers may be considered sex workers, as may fetish workers or escorts who don’t engage in sexual activity, or who engage in activities that are perceived by client as sexual but are not conventionally sexual.

     Regardless of what actions sex workers take, or whether or not these people’s jobs are considered sex work, the problem really lies in the perception, criminalization, and stigma associated with sex work, and work of a sexual nature, however that manifests itself. There is a lot of exploitation, violence, and health issues associated with sex work, but it’s kind of a vicious cycle. As long as sex work remains criminalized there can’t be proper protection for sex workers, against their clients, the public, or abusive employers. Personally, I advocate the decriminalization of sex work over it’s legalization (and impending government regulation) however either would be an improvement. It’s obvious that sex work isn’t going away, even if it is illegal.

     Even if sex work were to be decriminalized there would remain a whole lot of social stigma to continue the prejudice against it. In my more optimistic moments I may be something of an idealist, imagining a sex+positive, liberal future, however I know that this in an unreasonable hope in any foreseeable way (especially if there really is an impending apocalypse). I do, however, think there is a lot of realistic room for improvement. Not all sex workers are empowered people doing a job they enjoy suffering no emotional toll, however I’d say that statement is true of almost any kind of worker. Everyone has days they hate their jobs, when they do things they don’t love, but that doesn’t cause moral outrage in most cases.

     Many average people separate sex from love and passion and don’t get paid for it. Whether that be sex out of obligation in a relationship or marriage, or sex for fun with someone you may not have a strong emotional connection with. I don’t see anything wrong with these activities, and I don’t see sex work as wrong either. I hope sex workers follow the same rules for themselves that I hope everyone follow in their sex lives: do what feels right. More specifically, rules of consent still apply; you need to put yourself first in your sexual endeavors (when it comes to being comfortable, feeling safe and in control). I think sex workers can only really do this when they can legally obtain protection, but there are many people who engage in sex work who set their own rules and enjoy their jobs.

     The perception that sex workers have sex for money to fill some sort of emotional void is what I’ve been stewing on most; in all honesty, I think most people have sex to fill an emotional void or for some form of validation at some point in their lives. I hope that people can exists as self satisfied and confident without basing their self worth on other people’s sexual affirmation, but most people I know aren’t sex workers, and most people I know are hugely affected by other people’s reactions to them, especially sexually.

     I want to respect people’s desires to not be sex workers; it’s not for everyone. I never want to be a physicist, to me that sounds awful, but honestly I could see myself being a successful sex worker. Not because I fit a physical type or anything, but because I think I have the ability to separate sex from emotion, be assertive, self confident, and not weigh my self worth by sexual partners. It’s not my role to be prejudiced against math people because I hate what they do, I’m glad there are people out there to do jobs involving the things I don’t enjoy. So if sex work isn’t your thing for whatever reason, so be it, don’t carry an uninformed prejudice against anyone involved in sex work.

     Not everyone holds the sex+positive view that one should let others behave how they see fit without judgment, or at least without interference, but hopefully we’re getting closer to that. In my idealistic future instead of pity, contempt, or moral outrage, we can look at those who are sex workers as contributing a valuable service to society, doing an important job, and being empowered, happy people.

     I know some people may read this and construct some kind of slippery slope argument… where do we draw the line? If we make sex work legal what else should be made legal just because people like doing it? Well, as long as it’s consensual I am pretty o.k. with it. So murder, still illegal. Pedophilia, still illegal. Prostitution should not be illegal. I’d love to hear your responses so please comment! I’m not claiming that this is argument is universally true, but really, nothing is, and I’m close to a thousand words.

It’s good to be back. Tell your friends!

REALLY!?

     Recently I came upon this article, on a really great feminist blog (check it out, it’s legit).  This is just one example of so many messages young women are exposed to when it comes to rape and sexual assault. Although the focus of this ad campaign isn’t overtly sexual, and is focused on alcohol use, this ad cannot be ignored. I am not claiming to be the first person to take this stance on messages surrounding rape, sexual assault, rape culture, and victim blaming, but this is a hugely important issue that I feel deserves my (and evidently your) attention.

     First, when you see this ad it looks sexy: smooth, bare, thin, effeminate legs with panties around the ankles… the image could just as well be an ad to sell underpants.

     Then you get to the text, the largest words printed read, “She didn’t want to do it, but she couldn’t say no”.

FUCK THAT! REALLY?! …. that was my first reaction, anyway.

     I can’t really imagine a person whose brain does not immediately find this problematic, but since this has actually been made, there must be people do not see the problems of this language. This message immediately makes the viewer feel guilty because, most likely, they sexualized the image shown before reading the text, then, it sends the message that it is her fault; because she was drunk and “couldn’t say no” she is to blame for being raped or sexually assaulted, as is insinuated by the ad.

     Regardless of sobriety, the absence of a “no” NEVER implies “yes”. EVER. If consent is ever a question, then you don’t have consent. I know that these lines can be blurry, and that depending on the situation or the relationship this may not seem as applicable. But really, in preventing rape and sexual assault why not be on the safe side? Always get verbal consent. It can be really sexy actually.

     Also, this whole victim blaming tradition is getting old. Being drunk, being unconscious (for any reason), being sexy, dressed well, or flirtatious are NOT reasons that excuse rape or sexual assault. The only blame for rape should be ON THE RAPIST. This seems like a simple enough idea, hold a criminal accountable for the crime they committed, but the way sexual assault prevention is taught is focused on managing women’s behavior and sexuality, as they are the most common victims of sexual assault and rape.

     I’m not saying that teaching women about the real dangers of sexual assault and rape isn’t a respectable endeavor, but we need to be teaching men not to rape, and teaching everyone about consent, sexual agency, and consciousness concerning the messages we all receive about sex.

     A lot of what is taught to women isn’t actually that helpful, and is oftentimes contradictory. Women are taught not to dress too provocatively, watch their drinks, stay with a group of friends, walk with their keys between their fingers, carry mace, avoid dark alleys, the like. Teachings like this imply that women will be attacked by strangers, when really rape and sexual assault are most often perpetrated by acquaintances of the victim, whether that be a friend from class, a relative, or a partner. What women need to be taught is how to feel confident in their own sexual agency, to be empowered, and to be reassured that sexual violence and rape are never the fault of the victim. Women should not have to dress a certain way, act a certain way, or carry protection to avoid blame for these attacks.

     That may sound idealistic, but I think most would sympathize that it’s a sad fact that it is more responsible to carry mace or always stay in groups for women to avoid sexual assault. What does it mean for our society that this reactionary approach to sexual assault has become so normalized that it’s almost perpetuated as common sense: sexual assault will happen (to women) so it’s the victims who need to stop it, discourage it, and if it keeps happening well who is to blame? It must be these irresponsible, promiscuous women… right?

   Or maybe, and this might be crazy, we should be blaming rapists and perpetrators of sexual assaults for their own actions against other human beings? (I hope my sarcasm has translated across text and the interweb).  We live in a culture that discourages sexual communication, male sensitivity, and asking for consent. This is not an excuse.

     In a seminar I attended that discussed men ending rape, as a proactive, as opposed to reactive, form of education concerning sexual assault, I learned that many college age men who were surveyed admitted to behaviors that would legally qualify as sexual assault or rape, however they were unaware these behaviors were problematic. This is a huge problem. The way we educate everyone about sex needs to change; it needs to become more comprehensive and to encourage consent as a positive thing. Women are conditioned to be submissive, and men aggressive, and although I know that that is problematic and overly general in itself, it is no less true.  

     Learning gender roles, sexual scripts, and acclimating to rape culture are things that are pervasive in basically every sphere of a person’s life, and they are difficult things to try to un-teach, but there need to be more sources preaching a message of sexual agency, consent, and blaming rapists for rape, while supporting survivors.

Feedback?

So I spent about the last two hours writing a lengthy blog about this business of Obama's directive of providing aid to foreign countries to protect the human rights of LGBT citizens. But I am not going to post it yet because I'm not sure how I feel about what I wrote, how academic it comes off, and really how I feel about this directive to begin with. Also, this could end up really not effecting any kind of change, so we'll see what happens... In the mean time, I will tinker with my lengthy diatribe, and hopefully you will comment on how you feel about this government promotion of gay rights, and I can use your input to inform my next post. 


Or, if you don't want to talk about that, and would rather comment as to your thoughts on the film Chasing Amy, that would also be welcome, because I just watched it and I am enraged and confused and sad and guilty all at the same time... and I'm not sure what to do with that. 


Just as a heads up, you may have to wait until after finals season for a substantial Post post, because I'm a bit intellectually exhausted, but take this time to comment and ask questions! Or tell me what you want to know about.